The grass is always greener

I am in love with my life yet oddly trapped. I love being a mom and a wife but recently realized that a "job change" will never happen. I will always be a mom. The grass is always greener on the other side.


Yet, my own grass is pretty green. I just don't feel like I am savoring or really rolling around in it. Truly, I couldn't ask for more, yet one moment my grass is unbeatable and the next moment it is dry and already chewed (an inadvertant reference to feeling a bit like a cow - some days it feels that way...to some in our home I am a source of food - - and it isn't David). I think that I often lose sight of my own unique voice. I don't believe in my green grass and I long for the other side of the fence, but, it's funny, I wouldn't know my voice any better over there. It probably doesn't even matter which side of the silly fence I'm on when it comes to finding my own voice. It comes down to the nuts and bolts of who you are and being genuine when actually presenting your nuts and bolts.

I have found that by writing daily I become more genuine with myself and remove fear by giving life, through words, to who I am. It's like taking pictures. It is an honest reflection of the day. When I look back and see boring pictures, meaningless photos, I wish I would have really lived. When I think there will be pictures taken one day, I am sure to do things that matter. I don't want a boring album. Same with writing. Writing makes me savor the day, roll around in my own green grass a bit so I have something meaningful to say. I make myself feel alive. I have a story to write that is beyond poopy diapers and breast feeding. It is a spectacular story that is simply my own. Genuine.

It takes practice to be genuine. It is revealing...to myself and to others. A sidenote - I like that word - "revealing" - feels seductive, honest and really naked.

the genuine me:
I want to know myself better.
It's hard to want to improve myself right now for me and not for David or William.
I need time alone.
I like who I am most of the time - I just really need to LIVE in that
I need humility
I am madly in love with David - - for who he is, not who he is with me...there is a difference.
I want to write meaningful thoughts...that means that I need to pursue a meaninful life.
I enjoy art - I wonder if I would be good at creating art. I would like to try.
I want to be more self-aware, not self-concious... but self aware - making sure that I am really rolling around in my own green grass.

Psalm 102 and 103 talks about grass. The grass, too, will wither. It isn't everlasting. My "voice" and my own green grass will wither eventually. The Lord sustains me, not my own grass...or finding my voice...or the other side of the fence...their grass will wither too. My own freedom to enjoy my grass will never offer everlasting freedom. I can't look to my grass or the other side of the fence for fulfillment - only to the sky to trust my Father. Revel in that - my belovedness.

I do long for a big, open and green plain - like in Iowa. Green into the horizon. Somewhere open and wide where I can breathe...get perspective.

Here's perspective - all of this whithers away but I think I can still roll around a while - continue to live a story worth telling.