Weird Fish

How often am I at the bottom of the sea and I see eyes turn to me...yet I don't follow? This morning’s offertory was the song "Weird Fishes" by Radiohead. I'm not really hip and "with it" on Radiohead's music but this song struck me. It begins - "In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea, your eyes, they turn me". The lyric struck me, how often I want to end that phrase with "your eyes...they turn TO me." My regret is that my expectation of Jesus is that He turns to me and somehow, I believe, that if He is lucky, I will respond. How prideful and disgusting. His pursuit is like nothing else, He gave his life, was crucified naked before me...His bride...and my expectation is that he continues to turn TO me. This sacrifice is enough to simply TURN ME. So why does my adulterous heart wander?

A friend of mine recently filed for divorce from her husband who had more affairs in the ten years they were together than he can even keep track of. We sat together last Friday with our two little babies playing on the floor and she graciously offered me a piece of her life...the most painful and deeply hurt portion left over by her husband. I have not been able to escape the haunting ache she must feel and have been reminded of my own adulterous heart. I continuously cheat on my Lord...my groom. My affairs have also been countless. I am stubborn at the bottom of my own dark, shame-filled ocean and refuse to look Him in the eye after my adulterous escapades, yet, he not only turns TO me but he offers to simply TURN ME when I refuse.

The next lyric says "Why should I stay here? Why should I stay? I'd be crazy not to follow, follow where you lead. Your eyes, they turn me."

So why do I stay hidden at the bottom of my own shameful ocean? Why do I stay clothed when my groom delights in my nakedness and vulnerability?

It's for another day. Tonight I am humbled by my own adultery.

I am a weird fish - one who cannot accept what is so freely given.


Lyrics to
"Weird Fishes / Arpeggi"

In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me

Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?

I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me

Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance

I get eaten by the worms
And weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
And weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes

Yeah I
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
And I
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape